Eroticise (1982) If you’re aroused by feathered hair, leg warmers, giant boobs, and other things that were insanely popular in 1982, then you might be aroused by this tape.

Warning: This listing is NSFW unless your employer is cool with stuff like this, in which case you should get a real job and stop wasting your life working for a bunch of unhappy people who are so self-involved they don’t even care if you look at obscene images at work.

Theme Song: Considering the overall budget of this tape was $5.00, it’s no surprise Eroticse had a bunch of stock production music from the Networkmusic Library. Networkmusic was a prevalent music house in the late 70s and early 80s.

This motivational-sounding song might be the best.

But there’s also this clavichord/harpsichord-ridden disco-ish number. If you’re really interested in Networkmusic, most of their music has been released on iTunes as Network Music Ensemble.

Interesting Dated References: The various methods and workarounds men had to go through to acquire pornography in the pre-internet world.

Best Line: There’s isn’t a single line of dialogue in this entire film, even though the workout participants are clearly talking and counting off. Judging by the trees and foliage in the background, Eroticise was filmed on an overcast and extremely windy California day. None of the girls have mic packs on, so it’s safe to assume that any audio the cameras were picking up was drowned out by the Santa Ana winds. Having low production values, the filmmakers opted to skip the audio altogether and just use the aforementioned stock music.

Social Context: The world’s never-ending obsession with seeing women nude in as many positions as possible, no matter how unflattering or gross those positions are.

Summary: The blustery recording session begins on a wooden porch overlooking the far-off Los Angeles skyline. Two women (wearing those disgusting, see-through nightgowns people thought were sexy in the early 80s) stand around and help each other stretch.

Then Kitten Natividad shows up and does some stretching on cheap lawn furniture that involves making her giant boobs bounce up down while she stares at them. For those not in the know (normal people), Natividad was an exotic dancer in the 70s who became romantically involved with Russ Meyer. She appeared in a few of his films and then started doing softcore (and eventually harcore) films in the 80s. She had giant, fake boobs, which were filled with industrial-grade silicone.

Things start off pretty tame as the group of women bounce around and do a few sets of exercises on the beaten-up wooden porch. The sky couldn’t look much more miserable. They really couldn’t have delayed things for a day or two until it was sunnier?

Then things get strange as Natividad and some other woman and her big muff do rear-end bumps, while another woman does some kind of push-up in between them. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. Between the bleak sky, the washed-out lighting, and the giant pubic mass, it’s a very unsettling visual.

Remember last weekend when you were at that cool new restaurant with locally-sourced ingredients and the waiter kept spouting off about all the reclaimed wood on the walls? It was probably wood from this porch, which these women are rubbing their genitals all over.

After a few individual segments featuring awkward dancing, we get another group segment in which everyone but the girl in black is topless. Look, I don’t care, but I bet it really irritated a lot of viewers that the one girl wasn’t taking her top off.

For like one segment the filmmakers figured out how to use the soft focus feature on their camera and set up proper lighting as Natividad and her friend help each other stretch. This segment must have been filmed later and added in.

It’s time for fully-nude aerobics! Eroticise appears to have been shot in chronological order (minus the add-in cited above), because the sky keeps getting darker with each subsequent segment. Now that everyone is nude, they’re using lighting (read: a lamp with it’s shade removed) to illuminate the stage (read: the shitty wooden deck).

The fully-nude aerobics segments include a few individual sections, as well as a few full-group segments. Oh, I guess it shouldn’t be called fully-nude since most of the women are wearing leg warmers. If you were a leg fetishist who only could get off by looking at uncovered legs, you would be fucking furious at this tape and your semi-rigid erection.

Look, Eroticise isn’t totally disgusting. If you’re aroused by feathered hair, leg warmers, giant boobs, and other things that were insanely popular in 1982, then you would probably watch this tape frequently and get really aroused. In fact, in today’s world of shitting and fisting and shit-fisting, the clumsy eroticism of a tape like Eroticise can be appealing. I don’t know, if it’s your thing, then seek it out.

For the last ten minutes of the tape, the girls sit around in a hot tub and frolic with each other. Then the most unerotic thing happens: Natividad eats a soft banana in the steaming hot tub.

The texture of a banana combined with steaming, fetid, hot tub water is disgusting. It could only be less erotic if she was eating a bowl of clam chowder.

Eroticise was directed by Ed Hansen who put out a bunch of boobie films with Natividad (Takin’ It Off, Takin’ It All Off, and Takin’ It Off Out West).

Poster and Box Art: Not really much to say. Natividad showcases her industrial-grade boobs. The logo on the other hand, is totally mind blowing.

Excellent use of modified characters to create suggestive shapes. Someone deserves a pat on the back.

Availability: You can watch the first 20 minutes on YouTube, or try to track down an old Videodisc or Betamax on eBay (Oddly, I don’t think it was released on VHS).