Theme Song: “Nothing Personal” by Suzanne Somers
This is by-the-numbers soft disco that was never released commercially. I wish it was better, but that’s just one issue in a long line of disappointments regarding Nothing Personal.
Interesting Dated References: Jokes such as, “Women never wear underwear in 1979.”
Best Line: Despite being mostly composed of barely blush-inducing innuendo, there’s a fairly hardcore anal sex reference thrown out by Somers. When her client (Donald Sutherland, The Disappearance, Conspiracy) walks in on her reading in bed, she quips, “I tied my ankles together in case a rapist should come in and surprise me.” When he asks, “Is that effective?,” she retorts, “Unless he turns me over … ,” and then the shot lingers on them as they both longingly contemplate anal sex and silently reflect on their own personal experiences with it.
Social Context: This movie is truly a shitshow and there should be at least two competing documentaries about its production. Somers (allegedly) hand picked this script as her breakout role post-Three’s Company. Unfortunately, she picked a script apparently written in 1970, and the filmmakers decided not to update the jokes. This is evidenced in terrible 1969/70 jokes, which have been repurposed as 1979/80 jokes that make no goddamn sense, such as, “Women never wear underwear in 1979.” Nobody was joking about women not wearing underwear in 1979; this was well accepted by that time.
And the pedigree with this movie, especially from a personnel perspective, is insane. Directed by George Bloomfield, who helmed Jenny and To Kill A Clown, two of my all time favorite ‘70s films. On top of that, it was written by Robert Kaufman, who was involved with Divorce American Style, the excellent time capsules Getting Straight, Freebie and the Bean, and personal favorites Separate Vacations and Split Image. And can we throw Sutherland in the mix, who was appearing in this film inbetween Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Ordinary People.
The only possible explanation for this movie going off the tracks is pure laziness and passive misogyny. Sure, let the “broad” pick the old script, it will be fine. Sure, let her sing a song, fine. Sure, let’s not pay any attention to the acting of our main star who is clearly high as a fucking kite on quaaludes.
Summary: Chronically-stoned professor (1970’s joke) Robert Keller (Sutherland) is shown some footage of seals being clubbed (a then-current passtime in 1971) and is moved to take action. Eventually seeking an injunction against the faceless corporate entity behind the clubbing, Keller is dumbfounded when the lawyer he’s recommended turns out to be (GASP!) a woman! With breasts! (1969 premise).
Because he’s a man, she is unable to resist falling into bed with him almost immediately.
The newly coital couple becomes a PR powerhouse and runs a full-press junket to stop the corporation from developing the land the seals reside upon. Then there’s a really long car chase, which serves absolutely no purpose.
Worth Mentioning:
– The student that shows Sutherland the footage of the seals is played by a very young Michael Wincott (Talk Radio)
– Many of the early SCTV players have small roles in this movie: Catherine O’Hara, Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy (although I failed to spot him).
– Maury Chaykin (Nowhere to Hide, The Vindicator, nephew of director George Bloomfield) also shows up to perform a rather offensive Native American impression.
– To call the editing in this movie choppy is being kind. There are so many hard jumps it starts to seem as if there was an error in the released print.
– Somers took an absolute beating in the newspapers about this one: “On the big screen, Somers resembles a homely, platinum-haired Barbra Streisand. The miniature television image must flatter her, because Somers’ face appears gargantuan and unappealing in “Nothing Personal.” She confronts you with a huge nose, jaw and teeth, and the lighting doesn’t soften or streamline these oversized irregularities. It simply bathes them in gauzy whiteness. Behold the abominable snowbunny!” – Gary Arnold – The Washington Post
“Miss Somers is very game but, to be quick about it, she’s terrible. She’s not a manufactured star but an assembled one. The teeth seem borrowed from Farah Fawcett, and the torso has the shape of one of those rubber dolls you order through the mail and inflate with a tire pump. The hair looks suspiciously like high-grade nylon. Of her gestures, her smile is the most elaborate. However, because it communicates no amusement, warmth, intelligence or interest, we watch the smile as we would watch the opening of a garage door equipped with an electric eye. It’s a minor mechanical feat.” – Vincent Canby – The New York Times
Poster and Box Art: An oddly airbrushed Sutherland smirks with Somers from behind the sexed-up sheets they just made love in.
Availability: Streaming.